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I have lost the ability to see humour. This is a catastrophe and means I can't even enjoy housework any more. Few things give me as much pleasure as to find an old joke I haven’t seen in years curled up under the piano with several billion dust mites. But now there are no funny faces staring up at me from beneath the Cif foam in the bath or creating themselves out of the ashes of some cooking project I forgot to set the timer for. Piles of building rubble no longer look like John Prescott nor fallen branches like Victoria Beckham. I have spent the afternoon trawling the world’s news for a seed of mirth to no avail. My life is over.
Unfortunately, I am not the focus of a national hate campaign so I could not exactly rush down to Harley Street and get myself referred to The Priory like Jade Goody, so I did the next best thing and completed Psychology Today’s online Do I Need Therapy? test in the hope that The Priory will accept that instead.
The test is a tick-box one so it’s a yes or no to various scenarios. I have to say I found some of the situations extremely difficult to decide upon, like this for example,
I am in a romantic relationship in which either my partner or myself rely on the other as our sole source of emotional well-being and self worth.
I'm not sure what is meant by this. Does it mean that one person is in charge of doing all the tax returns? That would be a very unhealthy relationship, unless of course you were the partner who didn’t do the returns in which case it would be a very good deal indeed.
This one was very easy,
During the past year, for two weeks or more...
The activities that used to interest me no longer provide the same pleasure and enjoyment.
What could be worse than not being able to get a laugh out of the washing machine jumping around the kitchen when it is spinning or the funny gurgling sound the heating makes?
This is patently unfair,
I unintentionally gained or lost more than five per cent of my original body weight.
My original body weight, as I understand it, was 7lb 8oz and I admit that I now weigh considerably more than that which is obviously unintentional because I had no idea until I was fully grown that I should be staying within a five-per-cent range of it. My parents and the hospital were probably both at fault. I believe Victoria Beckham is the only person to have maintained herself at her birth weight. I offer my very grudging congratulations to her for that.
By the time I got to this next scenario, I began to wonder whether this test was not rigged in some way,
During the past year, for at least a week...
Distracting thoughts and ideas popped unwanted or too quickly in my head.
Well, duh! It would be pretty vacant in there if this didn’t happen.
This one was quite alien so I know at least I’m not an out-and-out reprobate,
For at least the past six months, I've had a strong desire...
to rub myself against unsuspecting strangers.
However, I believe I should refer my neighbour’s Pomeranian for urgent attention. I am not sure if The Priory takes dogs.
There was no ducking this one,
I went on drinking or drug binges, using far more alcohol or drugs than originally intended, or for longer than I intended.
In my own defence I would say doesn’t everyone? There is no allowance made for the possibility that these things might be provided unexpectedly and for free and besides, it’s nearly always Mr T’s fault.
I did finally complete the test and my results are as follows:-
- I have suffered from what appears to be a brief psychotic episode.
- I appear to suffer from obsessional thoughts and body dysmorphia.
- I have experienced symptoms of a manic episode, simple phobia, social phobia, post-traumatic stress disorder, generalised anxiety disorder and borderline personality disorder.
I thought this would certainly earn me a long stay in a padded room so I phoned The Priory full of confidence but they just laughed at me and said that Pete Doherty had achieved higher test results at the age of three weeks. I laughed so hard I cured myself and now I’m as happy as a penguin in Ugg boots…